Sex, Intimacy and Sensuality
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Deep physical connection is as primal as it gets. Yet, our sex lives are among the first things to go when we’re sick. Sometimes that’s by choice, but too often it’s by the defaults and presumptions of the healthcare system and others around us. In this discussion, Mettle Health counselors Claritza Rios and Ladybird Morgan host a discussion on connection, romantic partnerships, and exploring new ways to find intimacy.
We discuss:
0:00 Introduction
2:20 CONNECTION is the goal of sex and sexuality, and we struggle with this when our bodies change - this can be tender, exciting, and uncomfortable
4:55 Bodies can change over time with normal aging and illness - your natural relationship to your body can dictate much around this feels. Important to note where your relationship with your body starts, it’s an ongoing dynamic that changes.
7:10 Move forward with a body you can be friendly with
8:45 Many times we do not appreciate what our body is able to do until you have pain or are restricted in a new way. There is a grief in this change in our bodies.
12:05 Changing your relationship to the sensual world. Your experience before and after illness may drastically change, you may need to be curious and it takes a lot of courage.
12:50 Changes in roles can change the levels of what you want to share in intimacy may change. Expectations in our roles can really muddy the waters and how you want to explore intimacy.
13:55 Important to remember that we have unhealthy patterns that we may already have in our romantic/sexual relationships due to our history, those things do not go away. This is just reality, but it’s important to have grace because there’s a new layer that’s coming into the dynamic.
17:10 The difficulty of going from a partner to a caregiver overnight - there is not time to prepare. How to disengage from being a caregiver for some periods of time so when you are intimate, you can go all in.
19:14 Reach out for support when you need it. It’s a lot to figure out when you’re navigating illness and general life and an intimate relationship.
20:22 Curiosity is the most important ingredient! Cultivating curiosity about yourself, about the other person, about the situation. When you’re sick, tired and scared, curiosity is hard to cultivate, but an important piece.
23:03 There is an expectation that we as partners need to fulfill everything for each other - and it’s not so.
24:16 there are ways to explore the sensual world, that are not sex. sharing music, beauty, meals, these are sensuous experiences that feed our souls. When we do this, we come from a place of nourishment, instead of need.
25:00 People naturally get into partnerships with different levels of desire for intimacy - when things change, it’s important to grieve that process. If you’re no longer able to do something you used to do -grieve it, and COMMUNICATE about it.
27:50 Sexual energy is still energy and it needs to be moved through the body - you can go for a walk, box, dance.
29:34 Community is important, you need a space to say whatever you need to say without fear. Tapping into the things that help you be with a partner - with kids, with your home, with paying bills - can be used as tools to tap into for this.
31:00 You can also share with nature, with a pet, swim in some water, feel a shower, lay on the grass. Whatever you can do to remember your body.
31:25 When we feel away from our own being, we’re gonna come at someone else from a distance that doesn’t connect very easily and then you’ll go down a pathway that feels disconnected. Find ways to slow yourself down and come back to yourself.
33:50 What do you like to feel? To smell? To taste? Tap into that and be curious about yourself. We tend to only the illness, and negate the rest of someone’s humanness.
35:11 It may be hard to share how you’re feeling because you are worried about causing hurt to the other person. With communication, there is exploration, it might all start with a hand massage.
41:27 There are difficult feelings in here too - there may be aspects of your relationship that are gone due to a change related to illness and may not return. Expanding our capacity to appreciate proximity as an intimate thing.
44:40 When things feel uncomfortable, they may not be voiced. Ask questions of your provider and feel empowered to do so!
48:58 The more we can talk, the easier these discussions become, but they are fragile.
51:20 Don’t let fear keep you from exploring, asking, being curious. There’s also a lot of play in the sexual world, it doesn’t have to be all serious.
52:44 Patient reflection: routines get yanked away at the start of illness, and also important to be educated around the safety of sex when it comes to certain illnesses. Love-making is part of the beauty of what it is to be human.
59:25 Finding other ways to touch: touch an ear, an eyebrow, let the intimacy find you both.
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